Little girls grow up imagining their weddings.

There’s a lot of grown up girls that do not like for little girls to imagine that anymore.

Instead of imagining their dreams, little girls are imagining their partners, and if you look at divorce rates, it has not worked out too well for a lot of people.

And, in contrast to popular belief, 18 is not old enough to be an adult. “They” only recently thought 26 was when the brain was fully developed. New research now shows that 32 is actually when a child becomes an adult.

A CHILD becomes an ADULT. 32.

Thirty fucking two.

So, yes, for child brides, which was almost all of them, you (not you: your trauma) picked the wrong guy or girl.

And it fucking hurt.

Ouch and, it is okay. It’s over.

Erase the tapes.

You can do that you know.

Just stop telling that story.

Be here. With me.

Now.

What I am saying is that I AM still a girl, a 36 year old girl, who still imagines getting married and is not afraid of saying that.

I AM not afraid of having a partner. A real partner. To dream with.

I AM good with little girls imagining that.

Not losing themselves in that.

Not relying on someone outside of themselve in that.

Not giving up their dream for someone else, ALYSSA.

Dreaming a dream. Together.

The same dream.

I AM not ashamed or afraid of that.

After learning what LOVE is not, which means I got to learn what LOVE is, I still believe in LOVE.

In fact, I do not just “believe” in LOVE I KNOW there’s LOVE. Just like I do not “believe in God. I KNOW there is a God. “Believe” still has doubt.

There is no doubt. Like, Gwen Stefani No Doubt. None.

And there is No Doubt for me, that although I am starting over for the third time, it’s really only my first time as an adult.

So this to me, is the only one that counts.

The rest were just practice.

And to be the bestest, you gotta practice right?

SO MUCH practice. Basically all you do to master anything is what? Is practice!

And if I could love the wrong people that much, could you imagine how much I can LOVE the right one?

If you could dream a dream with the wrong person and get as far as you did, just imagine what it would feel like with the right one? With the best one?

It would be the bestest. Like, in the history of ever.

And my marriage, which I KNOW will be my only marriage, is the only one that will count. It is the only relationship I will ever even remember, because I won’t be in the past.

I’ll be here. Now. With him.

Imagine that.

How that feels.

There is only ever now. Right now.

And then it’s right now. Again.

Does this mean we are micro-dosing forever?

I used to think sex, drugs, and rock & roll meant something way different than it means now.

His sex, drugs, and rock & roll will be safe. Fearless.

I think when he finally shows back up, he’ll be drugs. He is drugs.

The medicinal kind.

He’ll be medicine.

Him to me and me to him.

Imagine that.

I mean, it’s medicine, and it still gets you high.

The highest.

You just won’t die. Or want to.

You actually won’t want to die for them at all.

You’ll want to live for them.

Which is a new feeling for me, and one that I cannot get enough of.

“I haven’t had enough of you”

A line from an Austin John Winkler song.

Name of my first solo record?

That quote is the only thing I AM keeping from my previous relationship. And by keeping, I mean taking.

Relationships are give and take.

Since I got nothing, it is safe to say he got off fucking easy.

I didn’t…… Get off.

That was not me rewinding the tapes. That was just me. Laughing.

I did a lot of that today.

It felt good to laugh.

Laughing should be the bare minimum.

Getting off should be the bare minimum.

Dreaming together, the same dream should be the bare minimum.

Because from that foundation, you don’t just dream, you live.

I don’t want to dream anymore. I want to live.

And I want to have a certain lifestyle.

And I don’t mean the distorted version of that word lifestyle.

I mean… you know… the rock and roll lifestyle.

Which is not anything like I thought it was.

[[[STOP THINKING!]]]

Thank God.

It is funny that the biggest “rockstars” I have ever met are NOT those who “live for the moment” by hurting everyone around them through reckless choices and inconsiderate decision making.

The best and biggest rockstars I have met regardless of what size venue they have played, live for the moment. Fully engaged. Present. Appreciative and RESPECTFUL of what is.

“More of this please.” An attitude not of gratitude, instead pure appreciation. Again, gratitude is kinda less then.

Appreciation. Present with everyone around them.

Present to LIFE: the gift and the game.

What these rockstars still need to work on, as we all do, is being present with themselves. Especially with themselves. Not holding on to anything in or from the past. Setting themselves free.

What’s the saying they walked so we could run?

Rockstars play… so we can play.

Play.

That’s what LIFE is, isn’t it?

It is not supposed to be work.

It is supposed to be play.

That’s my dream life I want to stop imagining and start living.

NOW.

Playing.

With my partner.

Not working.

Playing.

I want to play.

amen