I still haven’t watched The Wizard Of Oz. Maybe that’s part of my problem.

I AM just out in these streets walking around insisting that there is “no place like home,” or by “following the yellow brick road,” I keep ending up right back here.

Where’s here?

Now.

What’s now?

All there is.

Where is home?

Why am I not using my brain?

Why have I always been “following my heart?”

Are we there yet?

Why am I asking so many questions.

A friend named Destiny posted a video the other day that said “Why” stood for two things:

Instead of practicing my “wouldn’t it be wonderful when’s",” instead of resting, which I know is what I need to do, instead of trusting, anchoring in, believing, knowing it like I know my own name, practicing what I preach, coming home to myself, clicking my heels together three times, and saying “I know my life I want my life GIVE ME MY LIFE!” I am choosing to spiral over who hurt me.

Instead of forgiving myself. Again.

This is becoming less of a journal and more of an ledger counting all the times I fall of the track. The train hasn’t even started moving yet and if I want to hop on, I’ve gotta be strong! I can’t be focused on the past, which is not even real.

And as a Rolling Stone fan, not a Led Zeppelin, even more honestly so, a Poison fan, I’m looking for Nothing But A Good Time, and instead I Just Can’t Get No Satisfaction??

Forgive myself again.

Forgive myself again.

Forgive myself again.

I fucking know that things are not what they seem.

I know that.

And I am still doing mental gymnastics? Mental masturbation, instead of, gee I don’t know, regular masturbation?

Wouldn’t self pleasure be better than self torture?

Have I been “trained” to see LIFE as punishment instead of pleasure instead of hopping on that pleasure train and taking the expressway all the way to heaven, I would rather walk holes into my shoes running away from the destiny that I know has been prepared for me?

The GAME OF LIFE is a GIFT, remember? I wrote it! And there is no torturous “reverse Uno” where I’ve gotta switch hands with another player. This hand was dealt by me, and I already won.

There is nothing else for me to do, nothing else for me to plan, no torture that is left to experience. That story will never be told or shared or re-read again.

There is just one destiny, one life blueprint, one gift that God gave me to open!

Instead of graciously accepting it, I AM looking around an empty room saying, you must not be talking to me! Clearly you must be mistaken!

The remnants of Catholic guilt are on full display waiting to be witnessed and cleared, not feared.

So what am I still afraid of?

What is still holding me back?

What is still making me say, not I? The guilt? The fear?

Am I bored? Do I need more to do? Certainly not.

So what is it?

What is still making me think I need more meditations or more hypnosis or more mantras or more work or more trying or more convincing or more fixing or someone else’s advice or someone else to make it better?

Why can’t enough just be enough?

When do I just say YES!

Thank YOU!

I ACCEPT!

I RECEIVE!

Now.

That’s when I say it.

And that’s all that matters.

Or counts.

Because now is all there is.

And I AM all there am?

Could it be?

amen.

xxx

;) it’s me