Quotes.

Quotes have been something I have been obsessed with for as long as I remember. I know, I know. I AM or have been obsessed with almost everything at different times. It’s kinda my thing. I like to completely immerse myself into something just to be sure it’s for me. And also, why not?

I unknowingly, admittedly always loved “words,” and believed in them way too much. More frequently than actions. That was my first mistake. And I make many.

I “thought,” that thing I am not supposed to do, that seeing people’s full potential was always my gift. Instead, it was always the one thing holding me back from my gifts. I put everyone else’s oxygen mask on before mine, always, and then wondered why I had trouble remembering how to breathe?

Another thing I always had plenty of.

And my biggest fear: to “be in trouble.” By “who”?

Who or what was this “trouble”

And what does “trouble” even really mean?

The only “trouble” I was ever creating was for myself. In giving too much credit, time, effort, energy, joy, love, stress, creation into everyone and everything besides myself. Besides my dreams.

Fuck, I did not even know I had a dream! UNTIL TONIGHT.

NO, NO, NO. Stop. I AM actually not kidding. Not exaggerating.

Like, tonight.

Like maybe 30 minutes ago!!!!

“I had gone back to childhood” (did you know you could do that?!) and really “thought” (that thing I AM not supposed to do) and remembered for the first time IN MY LIFE, what my actual childhood dream was.

I spent the last 36 years saying I wanted to be a teacher. I also spent the last 36 years saying I loved school and all I wanted to do was go to college.

Right? WRONG. Could not be further from the truth.

I AM out here vibing to permanently live on an end-lyss summer vacation and I have keet damning myself back to lessons and learning and discoveries and tests?

What happened to that whole “deciding” thing I promised myself YESTERDAY!

So yesterday.

Hilary Duff.

Someone on Tiktok, before I deleted it, said that I had Disney Channel Main Character Energy. What a compliment.

I always thought I was more of a Clarissa Explains It All or Sabrina The Teenage Witch. When that commenter said “Camp Rock,” I was sold.

His voice is in my head and he is the reason that I’m singing.

Should I say that out loud?

I just did.

I am practicing that a lot too lately.

Not that I hadn’t ever “not told it” I just didn’t even know it!

How did I not even know I had a dream?

The energy of Martin Luther King Jr week has me reflecting a lot on slavery and how atrocities like that were even fathomable to happen. How was that even fucking real?!?! How could humans let that happen to each other?!!?!

How anyone could see any other human being as less than EVER…breaks my heart over and over again when I remember it.

Ugh.

I’ve been simultaneously reflecting on the self inflicted abuse I have inflicted on myself. (VERY DIFFERENT AND COMPLETELY SEPARATE IDEAS THAN SLAVERY BEFORE ANYONE EVEN ATTEMPTS TO SAY I AM COMPARING THE TWO. YOU COULD NEVER COMPARE ANYTHING TO SLAVERY.)

ANYWAY, reflecting also on punishing myself, forcing myself to be with people for YEARS, some of them even DECADES because of one mistake. And THEN I AM surprised when they leave/hurt/abandon/ attempt to destroy me. When they showed me exactly who they were to begin with.

Is this some sick joke I AM playing on myself? Is this my kink? Of course it’s not. It’s my recovering Catholicism that I should be punished for all of my sins.

I should be like a regular Catholic and just recite 15 Hail Mary’s and call it a day, but no, I have always preferred to crucify myself. Martyrdom does not look good on me.

What looks good on me? Almost everything!!!

What?!!?

It’s amazing how when you’re not surrounded by assholes, for the first time, almost in 36 years, I AM appreciating what I look like. Appreciating what I sound like.

Appreciating WHO I REALLY AM, void of anyone else’s opinion or theory.

What a concept. Liking how it feels to be in my skin instead of wanting to crawl out of it.

Home.

My body is my home and my best friend, if you’ve read my series and take on life’s mysteries.

I have not always been a good friend back to her. I AM doing my best now, and I really appreciate how graceful and forgiving she is. Just like a real best friend should be.

I AM in a state of bardo right now: in between death and rebirth. Again. The last time I did this I quit my billion dollar company of a decade, sold my possessions and moved onto a tour bus. Who the hell knows what I will do this time. But I’ve got 10 days to figure it out.

10 days to do what exactly? And why am I not more concerned or worried?

Worrying has no gotten me anywhere before. I AM not going to lie and say that I have not panicked, because I have.

The panic has done nothing but remind me about this disco, this dance of life that we’re in and the field, and how this whole “wouldn’t it be wonderful” thing works that I have preached and not practiced.

Practiced. Another thing I never did because I was too busy worrying about everybody else.

Too busy.

Worrying.

Everyone else.

Three things I AM taking off of the to-do-lysst.

It doesn’t.

It keeps going. Just like I will.

So, getting back to the beginning.

Quotes.

One of my favorite quotes was always, “every time you remember, forgive again.”

I used to think: (again, not supposed to think) it was about forgiving the other person. Now I know that is not true.

It’s about forgiving MYSELF.

Forgiving myself for allowing it.

Forgiving myself for enduring it.

Forgiving myself for not knowing my worth.

The medicine of my own forgiveness is what I DESERVE. What I am worthy of.

Even when that other person is UNFORGIVEN!

Yes, I have allowed myself that grace also. UNFORGIVEN is a choice that I AM at peace with.

This isn’t the name of a WWE Pay Per View either. I AM not wrestling with that decision.

And yes, it is final.

God said I could.

God said.

God said.

What else did God say?

Oh yeahhh, To trust him.

I think I’ll do that.

STOP THINKING.

I KNOW I WILL DO THAT.

And I forgive myself again, for forgetting.

amen.

-xxx

it’s me ;)